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the only words to describe today would be MIND NUMBING. just nothing to do put the usual stuff that i was not in the mood to do. however, i did make some awesome chili and make some progress on all the blankets that got wet during our small flood. did make it to the grocery store and bought some yummy cookies from the bakery. like i said mind numbing day.

this has been a word from nicole

there is a time for everything

i was once one of those annoying people. you know the kind whose best friend was her sister. the kind who did everything with their sister. i felt sorry for those who did not have a close relationship with their sister. i thought i was very special. now i see maybe it wasn't supposed to be that way. maybe we were too close. maybe now it's supposed to be like this. a little distance. new friendships to form with other people. maybe this is how other sisters are. jim and his drinking put our sisterhood on a whole new level for years and now his drinking has put it back to where it was supposed to be all along, i guess. i miss that closeness. i miss that look, the kind i would know exactly what she was thinking or she knew exactly what i was thinking. i miss my playmate that i would drag out into the world or stay close to in her home. now we are just normal. no longer special, just like everyone else. the time has come to change. to spread my wings and embrace all that i have missed while she and i were wrapped in her cocoon. she can have kevin and all that entails and i will have my life and all that entails and that will be alright. the death of something, even just figuratively, is painful. i have mourn my loss and accepted what has become of us. we are just sisters. sisters with husbands, kids and bills. we are just sisters who call every now and then. just normal sisters.

this has been a word from nicole

sad

we are less than two weeks from christmas and less than three weeks from new years but i am dreading jan. 13. jan. 13 was the due date for the baby i miscarried in june. i used to think about the miscarriage daily, now it is just every now and then. sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. i hope i am not aware of any dates in jan. i just want the month to go smoothly by with no sadness or happiness if that is what it takes to get me their that month.

i am thinking of blogging daily come jan. 1, 2011, kinda like julie in the movie and book julie and julia. i think if i blogged daily i would write about obama, ford, food prices, books and motherhood. maybe even in that order. lol i do have alot to say but no one is ever around to hear me.

this has been a word from nicole

yada yada yada

i can't believe i took staying pregnant for granted. when i first visited my doctor after learning i was pregnant i felt a little smug that i had three pregnancies and no miscarriages to report. i thought if i carried three babies to full term, i will with this one also. SURPRISE! how stupid was i. now i see women differently who have had miscarriages or can't even become pregnant. not that i didn't have sympthy before. now i have felt that lose and have felt that want in my arms. those are some strong woman. i see those celebrity women on tv and in magazines who are older than i am enjoying their pregnancy and i can't believe they are staying pregnant. i truely thought i was invincible when it came to being able to carry a baby to 40 weeks. when i see them i wonder if they have some secret to be able to stay pregnant. that sounds very silly but i still don't know why i miscarried and that at times is what is making me so angry.

summer

this summer must go. i want to put this summer into a little wooden box, lock it up and bury it. the more i think about putting this summer behind me the more it is in my face. i can't help but think what it would be like to be pregnant right now. i think about that brown hair child who won't be following me around the house or being the last one to graduate. i live with ghost of someone i have never met.

the shirt

my parents are coming up on tuesday. they are bringing us their "old" dining room table. that would be a totally different blog if i was to continue to write about the table. so anywho, i'm cleaning our bedroom, cleaning stuff i have put off. that kind of stuff that screams your name everyday to do something with but you pretend you don't see it or hear it. yeah, that kind of stuff. in that pile of stuff was the only thing i bought that told the world that there was a baby on the way. it was a cute peasent top that i that would take me through at least to the end of september. but how is this for irony the weekend i got that top i was most likely miscarring. now i have this top that i don't know what do with. i cannot and will not throw it out or give it away but at the same time i don't want to see it. it is the only thing that i have that says there was a life growing inside me. a damn shirt is all i have of a tiny baby i will never see in this lifetime. a shirt, i don't even have a onsie, a toy, just this shirt. "Good God why," i want to scream. how useless is that. when i die i will know why. for now i guess that is what i will live with. that shirt set off a wells worth of tears i knew that were in me but i never thought they would see the light of day. that damn shirt.

surprises me still

jay and i have been married for 17 years and he still manages to surprise me. he totally surprised on my birthday. he baked me a cake. my favorite kind of cake, yellow cake with cream cheese frosting. then he decorated it with a farmville theme and anyone who knows me knows i am addicted to farmville. this is the first cake he ever made. he made it at home than brought it to me at my sisters. i was so surprised that he 1-made a cake and 2-remembered that i said (jokingly) that i wanted a farmville cake.

the second time he surprised me was just this past week. i had texted jay telling him that i was going to greenfield village. i so despartely wanted to get lost in all the history of "the village." wanted to forget my cramping and bleeding and what that meant. i brought along my mp3 player, turned up the volume and took in all the sights that i don't have time to experience when i have kids hurrying me. i actually got to stop at the covered bridge and i sat on the stone wall and watched the ducks. people must have thought i was looking at something intersting because people were coming up behind me and checking out what i found so interesting. it was just ducks people. i was making up a story about them in my head and that was what i found interesting. i was pretty much just taking my time enjoying the sun and the wonderful breeze. i got a text from jay asking if i was still looking at the ducks (i had texted him about the ducks). i texted back that i was at the free slave house. again taking my time and listening to my music i was enjoying the coolness of the building and reading about the african americans that had escaped slavery. i heard my phone go off, making the sound of an incoming pic. i figured it was jay sending me a pic of his work. it was a pic from jay but the pic was of a white house...the white house i was standing in. i look out one door than the other and there was jay crouched down among the trees. i laughed and went out to hug him. he said i had the funniest expression on my face when i realized the pic was of the house i was in. he had gotten off work early and he came to surprise me. well, he certainly did! we enjoyed the rest of the village together. not rushing, just enjoying our own pace. we got a lesson in how a printing press worked and then jay found a pile of raccoon poop in the sawmill which made us laugh about the village cleanliness.

so who says you still can't be surprised after 17 years of marriage. surely, not i.

this has been a word from nicole