yada yada yada

i can't believe i took staying pregnant for granted. when i first visited my doctor after learning i was pregnant i felt a little smug that i had three pregnancies and no miscarriages to report. i thought if i carried three babies to full term, i will with this one also. SURPRISE! how stupid was i. now i see women differently who have had miscarriages or can't even become pregnant. not that i didn't have sympthy before. now i have felt that lose and have felt that want in my arms. those are some strong woman. i see those celebrity women on tv and in magazines who are older than i am enjoying their pregnancy and i can't believe they are staying pregnant. i truely thought i was invincible when it came to being able to carry a baby to 40 weeks. when i see them i wonder if they have some secret to be able to stay pregnant. that sounds very silly but i still don't know why i miscarried and that at times is what is making me so angry.

summer

this summer must go. i want to put this summer into a little wooden box, lock it up and bury it. the more i think about putting this summer behind me the more it is in my face. i can't help but think what it would be like to be pregnant right now. i think about that brown hair child who won't be following me around the house or being the last one to graduate. i live with ghost of someone i have never met.