Unexpected

You assume certain things in life will happen. Get a job. Get married. Have your heart broken. Have kids. What you don't ever plan for is being told you have cancer. Getting a divorce. Burying your child. Never have I felt so hopeless as I sat with my oldest and dearest friend on the floor of her kitchen the day Cory died. I had prayed for the right words to say but really there are no words just stupid, numbing silence. I would have done anything for Nicole that day and in the following week. I waited for the slighted request and would do it faithfully. I desperately wanted to carry Nicole all through the visitation and funeral. I just wanted to fix what had happen. There was nothing I could do so I ate and ate. I ate for the comfort I wanted Nicole to have. I ate to know I was alive. I ate because I didn't know what to do. Fast forward 10 months and I have put on 12 lbs! It's time to stop turning to food and turn to walking this large marge. I think of Cory everyday And i don't think she would be happy that my sadness over her passing and Nicole's percurlious state at times brought on this weight gain. Cory, if anything, was fashion savvy. To honor her memory would be shopping the new trends for a body that was in much better shape. All this was so unexpected but today I can control what goes in my mouth and how much I move.

This has been a word from Nicole

We have a Pope!!!

Last week when word came that the Catholic church had a new pope i was literally on the edge of my seat. Would they pick an Italian? Would we have our first black pope? Or would they go totally crazy and vote in Cardinal Donnell from America to be pope? Not even close. They have given us a man from Agentina from the order of the Jesuits. What we know is he is a humble man, an intelligent man a man who is for the poor, the least among us. I am so excited to see what he will bring to the Chair of Peter. I feel an energy for my church that I haven't felt in years. So much seems to be riding on the shoulders of this ordinary man that was called to serve mankind. Please God do not let him faultier.

Back in 2005 when Pope John Paul II passed away I mourned for him as one would for a favorite uncle. I remember thinking, "Who will look after us now?" I had admired Pope John Paul for so long I could not imagine anyone taking his place. Now that Pope Francis is here I feel once again being looked after. We have our shepherd here on earth guiding us towards Christ. Yesterday, Pope Francis said,"God never tires of giving his mercy but it is us who tire of asking for it." Yep, Pope Francis had me at "hello"

Voice

My voice is soft if at all. In fact, at this moment I have no voice. I am not talking about the sound of omy voice but what I have to say, what I need to say. When it comes to to defending myself, standing up for myself my voice is not inside me.  Why? I know why. My parents indirectly taught me how to lose my voice. I remember quite vividly my parents setting my older brother down at the kitchen table and just laying into him. Questioning, digging for answers that even I knew he would never give them a satisfying answer. I also knew not to walk into the kitchen least I get a disapproving look. I knew to keep quiet. More quiet than I already was. I did not want any attention on me. Hearing them and hearing my brother made me so nervous. I screamed inside at my brother, "shut up! Don't say a word. It will be over quicker if you just stay quiet."   Never would he keep quiet. Around and around they woul go.
Fast forward to adulthood and Marry someone who is quite vocal when mad. Sometimes all I can do is cringe and what for his yelling to subside. Keep quiet is my manta. It's all I can think of , even when when I am sure I am in the right I will rarely spit out words to fight back. Days later I wonder why I didn't open my mouth. Where is this strong woman I dreamt I would be? When does your inner scared child ever grow up?

This has been a word from Nicole

Food and people

Funny how food triggers so many memories or maybe I just like food more than I should.
Ritzee burgers=bird
Egg salad, potato salad=mom
Sloppy joes=dad
Ice cream=heather
Small portions=Amy
BBQ chips, cheesy hash browns, Chips ahoy=gig
Jello=Jodi
Tuna casserole=sister
But the person I associate food memories with the most is grandma Marion. This woman knew how to set a table and to serve her food. Mornings you always found a Danish on her table, without fail. Always green grapes in her refrigerator. Blue berry muffins at every holiday meal. Chips and dip, nuts and punch always on her appetizer table on all holidays. Fresh fruit cut up and served in a small bowl screamed, "I love you" to my childs heart Diet Pepsi. She always had an abundant of diet Pepsi. I would only would drink that out of desperation. Cereal before bedtime. Plastic bowls filled with ice cream and all the toppings. But going out to eat will always remind me of my grandma. She knew all the nice restaurants and she let me order whatever I desired. French toast for dinner? Yes. Club sandwich for a 9 year old? Well, of course.
I feel the closest to my grandma when I am eating a good meal and I think I make her proud when I set a killer appetizer table.
This has been a word from Nicole

This is now

After a two year break I am back to my blog. Since my last blog I have given north to our third son, Jacob or as I call him, "dudes." Andrew graduated from high school, holly has boobs and Matty is in kindergarten.  I survived 2011 on prayer, faith and hope. By far 2011 was the worst year of my life. This has been a short word from Nicole