Voice

My voice is soft if at all. In fact, at this moment I have no voice. I am not talking about the sound of omy voice but what I have to say, what I need to say. When it comes to to defending myself, standing up for myself my voice is not inside me.  Why? I know why. My parents indirectly taught me how to lose my voice. I remember quite vividly my parents setting my older brother down at the kitchen table and just laying into him. Questioning, digging for answers that even I knew he would never give them a satisfying answer. I also knew not to walk into the kitchen least I get a disapproving look. I knew to keep quiet. More quiet than I already was. I did not want any attention on me. Hearing them and hearing my brother made me so nervous. I screamed inside at my brother, "shut up! Don't say a word. It will be over quicker if you just stay quiet."   Never would he keep quiet. Around and around they woul go.
Fast forward to adulthood and Marry someone who is quite vocal when mad. Sometimes all I can do is cringe and what for his yelling to subside. Keep quiet is my manta. It's all I can think of , even when when I am sure I am in the right I will rarely spit out words to fight back. Days later I wonder why I didn't open my mouth. Where is this strong woman I dreamt I would be? When does your inner scared child ever grow up?

This has been a word from Nicole