foundation

if u are sitting across from and proceed to tell me that u sometimes feel lost and don't know what to believe in, please don't be surprised to hear me say, "you had no foundation while u where growing up." then if u go on to tell me that u are raising your kids in no faith but you make sure they know about all the religions, don't be surprised when i say, "u are setting your kids up to feel the same way u do right now."

as a parent it is our duty to raise up our children so they have a foundation to stand on or even fall back on when they are older. i love my catholic faith but really,children raised in any faith will be much stronger when they are older then a child who isn't. people i know who went to church regularly as a child have a better sense of who they are and they r not searching all the time for the "answer". They know the answer or they know where to go to find it. For petesake Mary and Joseph (who are model parents for the world) did not to Jesus say, "hey, when u get older u can choose for yourself what to believe." (granted He was the Son of God and they knew this, but i digress) they taught Jesus the Jewish faith, they lived the Jewish faith. They raised Him up to be the Man he was Supposed to be. i find it just plain silly to say, "i don't want to push my child into a religion, he can choose when they get older." really, they get to choose. will they really choose? a child raised in a faith is more likely to hold onto the faith than a child raised without one. what do these type of parents hope to gain by not letting their children grow in faith for God? what is it they are truly afraid of?

this has been a word from Nicole

no title

the only words to describe today would be MIND NUMBING. just nothing to do put the usual stuff that i was not in the mood to do. however, i did make some awesome chili and make some progress on all the blankets that got wet during our small flood. did make it to the grocery store and bought some yummy cookies from the bakery. like i said mind numbing day.

this has been a word from nicole

there is a time for everything

i was once one of those annoying people. you know the kind whose best friend was her sister. the kind who did everything with their sister. i felt sorry for those who did not have a close relationship with their sister. i thought i was very special. now i see maybe it wasn't supposed to be that way. maybe we were too close. maybe now it's supposed to be like this. a little distance. new friendships to form with other people. maybe this is how other sisters are. jim and his drinking put our sisterhood on a whole new level for years and now his drinking has put it back to where it was supposed to be all along, i guess. i miss that closeness. i miss that look, the kind i would know exactly what she was thinking or she knew exactly what i was thinking. i miss my playmate that i would drag out into the world or stay close to in her home. now we are just normal. no longer special, just like everyone else. the time has come to change. to spread my wings and embrace all that i have missed while she and i were wrapped in her cocoon. she can have kevin and all that entails and i will have my life and all that entails and that will be alright. the death of something, even just figuratively, is painful. i have mourn my loss and accepted what has become of us. we are just sisters. sisters with husbands, kids and bills. we are just sisters who call every now and then. just normal sisters.

this has been a word from nicole

sad

we are less than two weeks from christmas and less than three weeks from new years but i am dreading jan. 13. jan. 13 was the due date for the baby i miscarried in june. i used to think about the miscarriage daily, now it is just every now and then. sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. i hope i am not aware of any dates in jan. i just want the month to go smoothly by with no sadness or happiness if that is what it takes to get me their that month.

i am thinking of blogging daily come jan. 1, 2011, kinda like julie in the movie and book julie and julia. i think if i blogged daily i would write about obama, ford, food prices, books and motherhood. maybe even in that order. lol i do have alot to say but no one is ever around to hear me.

this has been a word from nicole

yada yada yada

i can't believe i took staying pregnant for granted. when i first visited my doctor after learning i was pregnant i felt a little smug that i had three pregnancies and no miscarriages to report. i thought if i carried three babies to full term, i will with this one also. SURPRISE! how stupid was i. now i see women differently who have had miscarriages or can't even become pregnant. not that i didn't have sympthy before. now i have felt that lose and have felt that want in my arms. those are some strong woman. i see those celebrity women on tv and in magazines who are older than i am enjoying their pregnancy and i can't believe they are staying pregnant. i truely thought i was invincible when it came to being able to carry a baby to 40 weeks. when i see them i wonder if they have some secret to be able to stay pregnant. that sounds very silly but i still don't know why i miscarried and that at times is what is making me so angry.

summer

this summer must go. i want to put this summer into a little wooden box, lock it up and bury it. the more i think about putting this summer behind me the more it is in my face. i can't help but think what it would be like to be pregnant right now. i think about that brown hair child who won't be following me around the house or being the last one to graduate. i live with ghost of someone i have never met.

the shirt

my parents are coming up on tuesday. they are bringing us their "old" dining room table. that would be a totally different blog if i was to continue to write about the table. so anywho, i'm cleaning our bedroom, cleaning stuff i have put off. that kind of stuff that screams your name everyday to do something with but you pretend you don't see it or hear it. yeah, that kind of stuff. in that pile of stuff was the only thing i bought that told the world that there was a baby on the way. it was a cute peasent top that i that would take me through at least to the end of september. but how is this for irony the weekend i got that top i was most likely miscarring. now i have this top that i don't know what do with. i cannot and will not throw it out or give it away but at the same time i don't want to see it. it is the only thing that i have that says there was a life growing inside me. a damn shirt is all i have of a tiny baby i will never see in this lifetime. a shirt, i don't even have a onsie, a toy, just this shirt. "Good God why," i want to scream. how useless is that. when i die i will know why. for now i guess that is what i will live with. that shirt set off a wells worth of tears i knew that were in me but i never thought they would see the light of day. that damn shirt.

surprises me still

jay and i have been married for 17 years and he still manages to surprise me. he totally surprised on my birthday. he baked me a cake. my favorite kind of cake, yellow cake with cream cheese frosting. then he decorated it with a farmville theme and anyone who knows me knows i am addicted to farmville. this is the first cake he ever made. he made it at home than brought it to me at my sisters. i was so surprised that he 1-made a cake and 2-remembered that i said (jokingly) that i wanted a farmville cake.

the second time he surprised me was just this past week. i had texted jay telling him that i was going to greenfield village. i so despartely wanted to get lost in all the history of "the village." wanted to forget my cramping and bleeding and what that meant. i brought along my mp3 player, turned up the volume and took in all the sights that i don't have time to experience when i have kids hurrying me. i actually got to stop at the covered bridge and i sat on the stone wall and watched the ducks. people must have thought i was looking at something intersting because people were coming up behind me and checking out what i found so interesting. it was just ducks people. i was making up a story about them in my head and that was what i found interesting. i was pretty much just taking my time enjoying the sun and the wonderful breeze. i got a text from jay asking if i was still looking at the ducks (i had texted him about the ducks). i texted back that i was at the free slave house. again taking my time and listening to my music i was enjoying the coolness of the building and reading about the african americans that had escaped slavery. i heard my phone go off, making the sound of an incoming pic. i figured it was jay sending me a pic of his work. it was a pic from jay but the pic was of a white house...the white house i was standing in. i look out one door than the other and there was jay crouched down among the trees. i laughed and went out to hug him. he said i had the funniest expression on my face when i realized the pic was of the house i was in. he had gotten off work early and he came to surprise me. well, he certainly did! we enjoyed the rest of the village together. not rushing, just enjoying our own pace. we got a lesson in how a printing press worked and then jay found a pile of raccoon poop in the sawmill which made us laugh about the village cleanliness.

so who says you still can't be surprised after 17 years of marriage. surely, not i.

this has been a word from nicole

now

lets see, i feel empty, pissed, sad, annoyed and maybe some more adjectives. stupid chit chat conversations... keep away from me. stupid people too. if you don't know your stupid don't even approach me.

spongebob

my neighbor has a son the same age as matty. they enjoy playing together. when the little guy comes over here he has no idea what to do first. i will be the first to admit that we have alot of toys. i think it may come from the fact that i didn't have alot of toys when i was little so i have gone a little overboard. that my friend, is another blog. anywho, spongebob was on tv when he was over. he announces, "spongebob, can't watch that." (he is not allowed to watch said show).
he looks at me expecting me to change the channel.i announce, " this is a spongbob house." and walk into the kitchen to clean. let me list for you why spongebob is one of the best cartoons on tv...ever.
1. spongebob is the most loyal friend
2. he is a hard worker
3.he helps everyone, even if they don't want it
4.takes good care of his pet
5. he has patience of a saint
6. he is quick to forgive
7. he enjoys the simple pleasures in life
8. visits his grammy
9. he honest
what mother would not like he son to learn those qualities? why his mother thinks spongebob is a bad influence is beyond me. i'll take spongebob over most tv any day.
that has been a word from nicole

hardest thing

i always thought being a parent or being married would be the hardest thing i would ever do. i was wrong. it is believing and doing the will of God that is the hardest thing to do!

mother's day

i hate mother's day. i don't mind calling my mom, sending a card to her or even spending the day with her if that is what the day calls for. but for the love of all i hate this day!! there is too much pressure on me to "have a good day." i just want it to be like any other sunday. i don't need gifts, i don't need a special dinner and i DO NOT need people asking me if i'm having a good mother's day. you know what made me happy on mother's day was when i thought of my friends, amy and theresa. they both adopted little girls and this was their first mother's day. i was so happy that they finally had their little one in their arms but other than that i could not wait for the day to be over with. so next mother's day...just wake me when it's over.
this has been a word from nicole

Were You There?

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Oh! Sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?
Were you there when they nailed Him to the tree?
Oh! Sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree

Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb?
Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb?
Oh! Sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they laid Him in the tomb?

Thought it was fitting to post the words to this song this weekend

first communion

first communion is coming upon us. we have the dress and we know where to get her shoes. we have one more generation of faith class and holly will be ready for april 25. it will be an incredibly, special day for holly. she may not fully realize how important this day is now,but in years to come she will know and remember how hard she work to received our Lord in communion. tonight we are going to a pot luck dinner at church for the kids who are making their first communion and their families. looking forward to some good eating and fellowship.

this has been a word from nicole

oHIo

last saturday we were off to ohio bright and early and arrived at 11:00. after talking for a bit we decided to head out to the stores and get something to eat. first we went to piazzz it. loved this scrappin store. i found twilight paper and diecuts. the we went to get something to eat at the easton mall, which must be the coolest mall in the world. there is really no way to explain this mall. it is like a small town with no homes. the mall is inside and out. it was so cold the day we were there but there were so many people out shopping. i can't remember the last time i saw so many people out and about in the winter. after lunch we did some more shopping which included going to another scrappin' store, the container store and trader joes. trader joes has the best apple pie...hands down! once back at sonya's house we scrapped for about six hours. i worked on my mackinac book. micala started her disney book and sonya was working on some christmas pages. sunday morning we scrapped a little more until we had to leave. on the way out of reynoldsburg we grabbed some sonic. their club sandwiches are to die for. we got a little lost leaving, which i expected. finally arrived in ann arbor at seven at night to drop off micala and i was dead tired. then another twenty minutes and holly and i were home. so happy to see jay and matty but i just wanted to lay down. it was a great weekend!!! loved seeing sonya and her kids and seeing where she lives.

friends

it's a new year (in case no one knew) and i want something to change for me. last summer as i was sitting and chatting with heather and jodi at the def leppard concert i thought to myself, "what great friends i have. why aren't i spending more time with them." so, my wish for 2010 is to spend more time with my girlfriends. i have always have had the problem of leaving my kids. i take it so seriously that i must always be the one looking out for them, no one can do it better then me. you know, jay can look after them, steve and loleth can watch them-they will survive if i am not there. in the next couple weeks i will be going to ohio, granted i will be taking three kids with me but the fact remains i will be driving three hours to visit a friend so WE can scrapbook. will i be seeing heather this year...YES, will i make plans to go to ikea with julie...YES, make plans with shalena...YES, go to BC and spend the day with jodi...hell YEAH and nicole too...hell YES!!! going to visit becky in ohio...Yes sir, and it goes without saying seeing my awesome sista and going somewhere alone!!! you better believe it!! is it all about me, no. it's all about balancing some things in my life. i am grateful that God has given me such wonderful friends. please now all you ladies are never far from my thoughts and prayers.
this has been a word from nicole