Unexpected

You assume certain things in life will happen. Get a job. Get married. Have your heart broken. Have kids. What you don't ever plan for is being told you have cancer. Getting a divorce. Burying your child. Never have I felt so hopeless as I sat with my oldest and dearest friend on the floor of her kitchen the day Cory died. I had prayed for the right words to say but really there are no words just stupid, numbing silence. I would have done anything for Nicole that day and in the following week. I waited for the slighted request and would do it faithfully. I desperately wanted to carry Nicole all through the visitation and funeral. I just wanted to fix what had happen. There was nothing I could do so I ate and ate. I ate for the comfort I wanted Nicole to have. I ate to know I was alive. I ate because I didn't know what to do. Fast forward 10 months and I have put on 12 lbs! It's time to stop turning to food and turn to walking this large marge. I think of Cory everyday And i don't think she would be happy that my sadness over her passing and Nicole's percurlious state at times brought on this weight gain. Cory, if anything, was fashion savvy. To honor her memory would be shopping the new trends for a body that was in much better shape. All this was so unexpected but today I can control what goes in my mouth and how much I move.

This has been a word from Nicole

We have a Pope!!!

Last week when word came that the Catholic church had a new pope i was literally on the edge of my seat. Would they pick an Italian? Would we have our first black pope? Or would they go totally crazy and vote in Cardinal Donnell from America to be pope? Not even close. They have given us a man from Agentina from the order of the Jesuits. What we know is he is a humble man, an intelligent man a man who is for the poor, the least among us. I am so excited to see what he will bring to the Chair of Peter. I feel an energy for my church that I haven't felt in years. So much seems to be riding on the shoulders of this ordinary man that was called to serve mankind. Please God do not let him faultier.

Back in 2005 when Pope John Paul II passed away I mourned for him as one would for a favorite uncle. I remember thinking, "Who will look after us now?" I had admired Pope John Paul for so long I could not imagine anyone taking his place. Now that Pope Francis is here I feel once again being looked after. We have our shepherd here on earth guiding us towards Christ. Yesterday, Pope Francis said,"God never tires of giving his mercy but it is us who tire of asking for it." Yep, Pope Francis had me at "hello"

Voice

My voice is soft if at all. In fact, at this moment I have no voice. I am not talking about the sound of omy voice but what I have to say, what I need to say. When it comes to to defending myself, standing up for myself my voice is not inside me.  Why? I know why. My parents indirectly taught me how to lose my voice. I remember quite vividly my parents setting my older brother down at the kitchen table and just laying into him. Questioning, digging for answers that even I knew he would never give them a satisfying answer. I also knew not to walk into the kitchen least I get a disapproving look. I knew to keep quiet. More quiet than I already was. I did not want any attention on me. Hearing them and hearing my brother made me so nervous. I screamed inside at my brother, "shut up! Don't say a word. It will be over quicker if you just stay quiet."   Never would he keep quiet. Around and around they woul go.
Fast forward to adulthood and Marry someone who is quite vocal when mad. Sometimes all I can do is cringe and what for his yelling to subside. Keep quiet is my manta. It's all I can think of , even when when I am sure I am in the right I will rarely spit out words to fight back. Days later I wonder why I didn't open my mouth. Where is this strong woman I dreamt I would be? When does your inner scared child ever grow up?

This has been a word from Nicole

Food and people

Funny how food triggers so many memories or maybe I just like food more than I should.
Ritzee burgers=bird
Egg salad, potato salad=mom
Sloppy joes=dad
Ice cream=heather
Small portions=Amy
BBQ chips, cheesy hash browns, Chips ahoy=gig
Jello=Jodi
Tuna casserole=sister
But the person I associate food memories with the most is grandma Marion. This woman knew how to set a table and to serve her food. Mornings you always found a Danish on her table, without fail. Always green grapes in her refrigerator. Blue berry muffins at every holiday meal. Chips and dip, nuts and punch always on her appetizer table on all holidays. Fresh fruit cut up and served in a small bowl screamed, "I love you" to my childs heart Diet Pepsi. She always had an abundant of diet Pepsi. I would only would drink that out of desperation. Cereal before bedtime. Plastic bowls filled with ice cream and all the toppings. But going out to eat will always remind me of my grandma. She knew all the nice restaurants and she let me order whatever I desired. French toast for dinner? Yes. Club sandwich for a 9 year old? Well, of course.
I feel the closest to my grandma when I am eating a good meal and I think I make her proud when I set a killer appetizer table.
This has been a word from Nicole

This is now

After a two year break I am back to my blog. Since my last blog I have given north to our third son, Jacob or as I call him, "dudes." Andrew graduated from high school, holly has boobs and Matty is in kindergarten.  I survived 2011 on prayer, faith and hope. By far 2011 was the worst year of my life. This has been a short word from Nicole

glenn beck and exteme couponing

so what does glenn beck and the show on tlc, extreme couponing have in common? they both got me to do something that i wanted to do but thought i never could. now, i like glenn beck. i'm not fanatic over him some days i just don't get him and other days i think he is right on. i really like it most is when he talks about out our founding fathers and the Constitution. one day he was talking about being prepared for whatever reason. my oprah ah ha moment happened. i thought back to last year when financially we were at the point sometime of going to a food bank. what would happen is i would call my dad and my dad would send us money for groceries. glenn beck says be prepared so you can then reach out to your neighbor who may not be. so very slowly when i could i would buy things when they hit rock bottom prices. first it was just cans of veggies, then stuffing, then hamburger helper, then peanut butter. it was a slow process but i could see that if jay was laid off we were beginning to be a little self sufficient. i don't want a handout from my parents. i want to be the one to help others. this is were extreme couponing on tlc comes in. i  have always liked coupons and was always in awe of the people that could save money with them but i just didn't understand couponing. watching the show i was fascinated by their stockpiles and all that they had saved.  i knew i would never be able to buy $1000 in grocerys for pennies (i am well aware of the coupon policies here in the D) but i thought i can do that on a smaller scale. operation one was to collect coupons. i started with zero but with my mom's help and the newspapers i got to hundreds quickly. i see now if i shop at rock bottom prices with coupons and anticipate my family's needs i can save big, big time. for the past three weeks i have spent under $100 dollars a week on groceries. sure it takes me alot longer at the grocery store but i am getting more and saving more. last week i saved $48!!! before i would spend around$160 a week. that sixty i save we can literally save or use it towards an outing on the weekend and not feel like we are spending money we don't have. last night i was at krogers and i saved the most. i bought detergent, floss,two mens deodorants, body wash, lotion, two candy bars, m and m's and hand sanitizer for $3.20!  i did have $6 in bottle returns but the rest was in coupons, over $13 worth. the floss was originally $3.29. so it was like buying the floss or detergent and getting the rest for free. i was so excited i called my sister and showed jay all that i got for three dollars and he was amazed. i am really enjoying my couponing and getting my family prepared food wise, at least. i want to be a giver, not a taker. anybody have coupon story to share??

this has been a word from nicole

excuse my french

u fucking morans in washington, dc? do your job! so sick and tired of this nit picking! i wish people could only hold their positions for no more than 20 years. how long has harry reid been in washington? that man has gotten to comfortable for his position. and mr. president i am so sick of your shit that i can barely stand to look at your face. obama isn't even a good lair like clinton was. at least with clinton you could buy into his idiocy! obama has made us weak and has made us look stupid to the entire world. i am sure kim jong-il of north korea thinks he could take us down. i long for the days of reagan when u could feel the pride in this country for being an American. i'll tell u who i want to picket. i want to picket the capitol. stop wasting my money on learning about the mating rituals of turtles. stop sending my money to planned parenthood. planned parenthood is not healthcare for women! call planned parenthood what it is...a baby killing machine. if u want birth control go to the health department or to your doctor. i can't believe i live in a world where there are people who make money off of killing babies! the left can spin it anyway they want to... women's rights or womens healthcare, damn it, it's called killing a baby. people have more sympthy for locked up animals than they do for a baby in a womb! most people act like they have no self control, i guess that is why they think we are no better than animals. i'll tell you what, this country is backwards as hell! i once wrote (in high school i wrote this) the truth is the truth until it becomes a lie. know i can say a lie is a lie until it becomes the truth.

this has been a word from Nicole

this and that

outside...it's another cold day. we had a little dusting of snow last night. early next week it looks like it will warm up to the low to mid 40's. i need a break from this cold so i can take up the remaining flooring in the kitchen.

around the house...andrew and matty are still asleep, jay is at work (holla for overtime) and it is just me and holly on the computers.

today...at ten it is time for holly's bowling league. last week they bowled for position in the league. hopefully, holly's team has held on to first place.

whats' bugging me...men who don't take care of their kids. men who abandon their kids and then don't understand why their kids are so upset with them. men who are so delusional that they should be committed.

unions...an necessary evil

leaders of libya and iran...nut jobs!

looking forward to...so much! starting in may things will be getting a little busy on  the weekends. the first weekend in may is day out with thomas at greenfield village. i got the tickets and matty is itching to go. then the second weekend in may is the megameet in novi or scrapper! the deals, the deals i can barely stand the wait. then in june is becky's wedding in ohio, weekend after that is the new kids and backstreet boys concert wtih mindy and the week after that is the u2 concert with ted, shalena, micala and heather.

i need...to lose weight. i can't believe this is me.

this has been a word from nicole

church

will laziness or indifference to attending church be man's downfall? is there a difference between those to adjectives nowadays? i will be the first to admit when it comes to why some sunday's i don't attend church it is out of true laziness.  i can just see myself standing before God and knowing i cannot even defend myself for my laziness. i can hear the words, " i wasn't too lazy to get crucified for you. did i ask to much of you to come see me in my house for an hour a week." insert my tears here. i know some people think it does not really matter that they don't attend church but when i get to thinking about it (and especially being apart of the catholic church) going to church really is important. what i get out of each mass i attend is much more then i get lying in bed in my jammies. when i'm there i can't imagine why i would ever miss a mass. to be apart of a community of like believers, hearing the word of God, professing my faith every sunday and receiving the body and blood of Christ every week truly fills me like nothing else. so why does my laziness stand in my way. how can i stop my laziness? how can i be how Christ wants me to be? things have become to relative in the world. i have been sucked in to this world and it's concerns. i don't want to be this way but sometimes it is just to easy to be apart of this world. how do you truly live for Christ? if Christ is my moral compass, i really need to look at it more to make sure i am going the right way.


If you were on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

This has been a word from nicole and dinky's cousin

the comfort that i was seeking at the funeral of grandma marion, i finally found at the funeral of grandma jean. it was a truly beautiful funeral. besides the funeral for pope john paul II, I am sure there has not been a more beautiful funeral. i found the comfort and peace that i have been wanting. i feel now more like myself since the death of grandma marion on jan. 6.
there was no school for the kids on wednesday...holla! and no school for holly on thursday...hooray.  tomorrow is friday and the roads are much better, i'm sure there will be school for holly. not much else to report. it is late and i've been dizzy all day. just want so good ol' sleep.

this has been a word from nicole and dinky's cousin who is an unwelcome visitor on my cheek

another funeral

it's time to pull out all our funeral clothes again. January 27 my other grandma passed away. this is my mom's mom. the pic on the left is 4 years old. when she passed she was barely eating and probably weighed around 70 lbs. but she was blessed to live 91 years, to be married for 69 years, have 5 daughters,12 grandchildren, and 20 great grandchildren. plus she could sew like no body's business! my most prized procession came from her. one christmas she made all her grandchildren blankets. it is known as favorite blankie in my house. it is the kind of blanket that keeps you warm in the winter and cool in the summer. i think what i will remember most about my grandma is the love she had for my mom. the way she would look at my mom was pure love. i hope my mom saw that and remembers this in her grief.
                                                                       God speed, grandma

in other news holly has qualified for state final in bowling. it will be in may in monroe. i was really surprised to hear this because holly has the lowest bowling average in the league. but what made her qualify is how much she goes over her average in the past two weeks. and as of late she has been bowling like she is on fire! this really will be an awesome experience for her. win or lose her bowling has improved so much! and that is what i hope she is most proud of.

this has been a word from nicole and dinky the scar

outside...freezing cold outside. as i told my sister today it is double nipply cold day. i didn't even take gordy with me when i went to pick the kids up from school.

what i learned...it doesn't look to good when your oldest child comes home from school (after having a half day of school) and u are just waking up at 11 a m

around the house...jay is sleeping, holly is roller skating and chatting online, andrew is sitting behind me waiting to use the computer, matty is watching the lost world.

plans for the weekend...the weekend got off to a great start. we treated ourselves to dinner at joe's crab shack. holly and andrew did not get seafood. which makes me wonder what they think in the kitchen when people order anything but seafood. when u go to a seafood resturant don't u get seafood? jay got crab legs, matty got fishsticks and i got some yummy salmon with a pineapple glaze, with potatoes and green beans as a side. oh my! soooo good. holly has her bowling league saturday morning. also on saturday i plan on grocery shopping at meijers. i heard some peanut butter was on sale for 99 cents. also have holly's science project to help her with.

what i am making...not quite at the making stage but i am gathering everything i need to start my chicago scrapbook. the book will start with a pic of me and nicole at the muesum in 1987, then go on to other trips i made to the windy city.

i am thankful for...theresa who blogged this way and i just love it and her!

this has been a word from nicole

and there she goes

sunday we were in grand rapids for my grandma's visitation. i don't know what kind of person aspires to do make up on the dead but whoever does it for this particular funeral home should retire. my grandma had so much blush on her cheeks it was borderline clown makeup. however, who ever picked out her outfit did a perfect job. it was a blouse and blazer done in shades of purple. my grandma wore purple very well. i spent a good deal of time chatting it up with my cousins becky and cheryl. at the close of the visitation my dad read a letter my grandma wrote to us back in 2003. it was very grandma. it was like she was standing there speaking to us. (choke,sob) then my dad handed out pieces of jewelry to each granddaughter. (stop the madness!) in my manila envelope was two boxes. i opened the small box to find a emerald ring that once belonged to my great great grandma and a broach that my grandpa gave my grandma on their 10th wedding anniversary in 1950. (ahhhhhh!) i couldn't even open the second box. later i did and in it was a bracelet and matching earrings for holly, my grandma's brother had given to her upon graduation (i think it was college graduation).
Monday morning was the funeral. it was exactly what my grandma would have wanted. two of my cousins sang two songs. during the second song, amazing grace, they broke down crying and everyone in the church finished the song together. one of the things the minster said was, "the world is a better place for having Marion havens in it." i have heard this before but was never sure if it was true. i know it is true for my grandma. after she retired from teaching she was volunteering for everything in her church or at the hospital. in fact, in the 80's the grand rapids' newspaper wrote an article about her. after the funeral there was a luncheon at the church. i know for a fact my grandma would have hated what they served small sandwiches, chips, fruit and horrible punch. my dad and his brothers had to pay for that slop put on by the church. just horrible. me and Diane could have made a better meal than that, even in our grief!
so now here i am, at home and awaiting another call. my mom's mother is dying. i will be surprised if she lives out the month. then there is my mom's dad who is also dying. hospice has come into the home, so really it's at anytime i will putting my funeral clothes back on and driving to grand rapids again.

this has been a word from nicole

PS dinky is now a scab. 

R.I.P.

my grandma died yesterday around noon, she was 95 years old. when i saw that it was my dad calling all i could think was,"the longer i put off answering the phone the longer i will be her granddaughter." i  cried when he told me. someone who loves me has died. my grandma was probably the most consistent person i will ever know. i always knew how she felt about me...about anyone. she was very slow to anger and rarely said a harsh word against anyone. she was my role model. as far as i'm concerned she had it right- God then family.
i remember one time running to the side door of her house, ringing her doorbell, quickly opening the door and galloping into her kitchen (i was probably 8) to find her rushing to her door to greet all of us. she had the biggest smile on her face when she saw me. my little heart burst with joy because i could see how much she loved me. that is the memory i will carry with me always. along with her blueberry muffins, grapes, french toast, and club sandwiches. yeah, my grandma always had the best food. many a night we had ice cream sundaes or cereal after taking our baths. my grandma was great fun and a great love.

this has been a word from Nicole

facebook grip

let's get this straight. i love facebook. i love checking to see what my friends are up to. i like the funny posts my son writes. i like playing farmville, frontierville and cityville. i love looking at all the pictures people post. i get a glimpse into people lives that i wouldn't otherwise. however, there is one thing that iterates me to no end! why to people post songs to their love ones that have died? why do they writes something to the deceased on the anniversary of their death? are they looking for something that they cannot get from the people who are physically around them? my 95 year old grandma (my favorite grandma) is at death's door or maybe just on his porch. anyhow, she is dying. but i will not be posting anything about that. not on the day she dies or a year from now. my grief and my happiness are my own. my memories are best shared with family not with an indifferent facebook.

i guess i just don't understand, maybe i'm to old or just not hip. it looks just plain needy when people are posting thing for someone who has died.

this has been a word from Nicole

dinky

i have a new pimple between my eyes and i have named him dinky. this is the third pimple between my eyes since christmas. so the trend will continue for another week or so.
today i took gordy over to chris's so she could trim his killer toenails. those suckers were so long i thought maybe he would need to wear high heels so he could walk with his long toenails. afterwards, gordy was able to go outside and play with their dog, lily.
jay, matty and i went out to eat for lunch at bob evans (down on the farm). service was sooooo slooooow! but the food was good. the last time i was there was 2005. i think i will wait another 5 years before i go back.

this has been a word from Nicole and Dinky

sunday

up at 7:30 am
made a yummy breakfast of scrambled eggs, cheese and sausage
church with holly at 11:30 (really wish i was a morning person so i could enjoy an earlier mass)
toys r us with holly after mass to spend her $25 gift card from katie and kelsey
home for lunch...loleth's fried rice with bread
nap
got up and put christmas decorations away, not the tree that will be tomorrow
got taco bell for dinner, ding...think outside the bun
now computer time with andrew breathing down my neck to get back on
school tomorrow for andrew and holly! summer is on it's way!!

this has been a word from Nicole

new year

HAPPY NEW YEAR! to start off the new year i am sporting a tiny pimple between my eyes. maybe this will be a trend that other will pick up this year. here's hopin'! i always have loved Jan. 1. it just shouts new beginnings and possibilities. i do want this year to be different from last year and one thing i hope to grow in is faith. most likely this blog with have my questions, concerns, frustrations with faith. not that i don't have it but i want it to grow and flourish. hopefully, this is the year that it will.

this has been a word from Nicole

foundation

if u are sitting across from and proceed to tell me that u sometimes feel lost and don't know what to believe in, please don't be surprised to hear me say, "you had no foundation while u where growing up." then if u go on to tell me that u are raising your kids in no faith but you make sure they know about all the religions, don't be surprised when i say, "u are setting your kids up to feel the same way u do right now."

as a parent it is our duty to raise up our children so they have a foundation to stand on or even fall back on when they are older. i love my catholic faith but really,children raised in any faith will be much stronger when they are older then a child who isn't. people i know who went to church regularly as a child have a better sense of who they are and they r not searching all the time for the "answer". They know the answer or they know where to go to find it. For petesake Mary and Joseph (who are model parents for the world) did not to Jesus say, "hey, when u get older u can choose for yourself what to believe." (granted He was the Son of God and they knew this, but i digress) they taught Jesus the Jewish faith, they lived the Jewish faith. They raised Him up to be the Man he was Supposed to be. i find it just plain silly to say, "i don't want to push my child into a religion, he can choose when they get older." really, they get to choose. will they really choose? a child raised in a faith is more likely to hold onto the faith than a child raised without one. what do these type of parents hope to gain by not letting their children grow in faith for God? what is it they are truly afraid of?

this has been a word from Nicole

no title

the only words to describe today would be MIND NUMBING. just nothing to do put the usual stuff that i was not in the mood to do. however, i did make some awesome chili and make some progress on all the blankets that got wet during our small flood. did make it to the grocery store and bought some yummy cookies from the bakery. like i said mind numbing day.

this has been a word from nicole