the shirt

my parents are coming up on tuesday. they are bringing us their "old" dining room table. that would be a totally different blog if i was to continue to write about the table. so anywho, i'm cleaning our bedroom, cleaning stuff i have put off. that kind of stuff that screams your name everyday to do something with but you pretend you don't see it or hear it. yeah, that kind of stuff. in that pile of stuff was the only thing i bought that told the world that there was a baby on the way. it was a cute peasent top that i that would take me through at least to the end of september. but how is this for irony the weekend i got that top i was most likely miscarring. now i have this top that i don't know what do with. i cannot and will not throw it out or give it away but at the same time i don't want to see it. it is the only thing that i have that says there was a life growing inside me. a damn shirt is all i have of a tiny baby i will never see in this lifetime. a shirt, i don't even have a onsie, a toy, just this shirt. "Good God why," i want to scream. how useless is that. when i die i will know why. for now i guess that is what i will live with. that shirt set off a wells worth of tears i knew that were in me but i never thought they would see the light of day. that damn shirt.