the shirt

my parents are coming up on tuesday. they are bringing us their "old" dining room table. that would be a totally different blog if i was to continue to write about the table. so anywho, i'm cleaning our bedroom, cleaning stuff i have put off. that kind of stuff that screams your name everyday to do something with but you pretend you don't see it or hear it. yeah, that kind of stuff. in that pile of stuff was the only thing i bought that told the world that there was a baby on the way. it was a cute peasent top that i that would take me through at least to the end of september. but how is this for irony the weekend i got that top i was most likely miscarring. now i have this top that i don't know what do with. i cannot and will not throw it out or give it away but at the same time i don't want to see it. it is the only thing that i have that says there was a life growing inside me. a damn shirt is all i have of a tiny baby i will never see in this lifetime. a shirt, i don't even have a onsie, a toy, just this shirt. "Good God why," i want to scream. how useless is that. when i die i will know why. for now i guess that is what i will live with. that shirt set off a wells worth of tears i knew that were in me but i never thought they would see the light of day. that damn shirt.

surprises me still

jay and i have been married for 17 years and he still manages to surprise me. he totally surprised on my birthday. he baked me a cake. my favorite kind of cake, yellow cake with cream cheese frosting. then he decorated it with a farmville theme and anyone who knows me knows i am addicted to farmville. this is the first cake he ever made. he made it at home than brought it to me at my sisters. i was so surprised that he 1-made a cake and 2-remembered that i said (jokingly) that i wanted a farmville cake.

the second time he surprised me was just this past week. i had texted jay telling him that i was going to greenfield village. i so despartely wanted to get lost in all the history of "the village." wanted to forget my cramping and bleeding and what that meant. i brought along my mp3 player, turned up the volume and took in all the sights that i don't have time to experience when i have kids hurrying me. i actually got to stop at the covered bridge and i sat on the stone wall and watched the ducks. people must have thought i was looking at something intersting because people were coming up behind me and checking out what i found so interesting. it was just ducks people. i was making up a story about them in my head and that was what i found interesting. i was pretty much just taking my time enjoying the sun and the wonderful breeze. i got a text from jay asking if i was still looking at the ducks (i had texted him about the ducks). i texted back that i was at the free slave house. again taking my time and listening to my music i was enjoying the coolness of the building and reading about the african americans that had escaped slavery. i heard my phone go off, making the sound of an incoming pic. i figured it was jay sending me a pic of his work. it was a pic from jay but the pic was of a white house...the white house i was standing in. i look out one door than the other and there was jay crouched down among the trees. i laughed and went out to hug him. he said i had the funniest expression on my face when i realized the pic was of the house i was in. he had gotten off work early and he came to surprise me. well, he certainly did! we enjoyed the rest of the village together. not rushing, just enjoying our own pace. we got a lesson in how a printing press worked and then jay found a pile of raccoon poop in the sawmill which made us laugh about the village cleanliness.

so who says you still can't be surprised after 17 years of marriage. surely, not i.

this has been a word from nicole